my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
