I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize