I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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