i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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