Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
