I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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