New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
