WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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