If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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