i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
