You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
