I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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