she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
