I faked an abortion last night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
