I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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