Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
