Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
