I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
