remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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