You just made me feel so damn special
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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