FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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