Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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