Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
