so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize