then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
