I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize