Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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