I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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