Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
