Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
