you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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