I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
