Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
