The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
