It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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