You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
