He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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