i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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