Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
