we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sober January is a disaster.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
