I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
