Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
