God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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