I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you would pick up someone in the library
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
