??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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