my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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