I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
