now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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