I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
