Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
