I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
