fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
