I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
