I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
