She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't put those talents on a resume
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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