Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
