I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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