Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
