I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
