He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
