I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
