I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
