You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
