At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
