Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Boobs are out for the taking
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
