Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
