i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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