My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
