My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
