The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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