My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
