i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
